Why people are considered toxic and how we can recognise when it's time to speak up.
There are an endless number of paths this post could take, but today we are going to look at toxic people, how to spot them and, why they are making the decisions they do. It seems as if it is a part of life to make tough decisions, decisions that don't allow for positive outcome. We are faced with thousands of choices everyday; if I told you that I had never done a 'bad' thing, I would be lying. Whether you consider having a roast dinner for breakfast a bad thing, is a debate for another time. (Yeah, I actually did that). What is considered 'bad' to one person, might not seem so to another. This is really important to realise; everyone has a moral compass inside them but it doesn't mean they align perfectly.
Where do our morals come from?
With there being over 7 billion people in the world today, we can take an educated guess and say there is more than one way to approach a situation. For the most part I believe that our moral compasses are built around the people we grow up with. For example, this could be the people who raised you, your friends, or your teachers. These three type of people have huge impacts on you and the way you think. Not everyone will agree with this and it could be argued that our moral beliefs come from a higher power, but that is for you to decide. Consider some difficult situations you and your peers have been in, in the past, and think about how you all dealt with making tough decisions. This could be anything from an argument in school to a conflict at work or in your personal life. While you continue reading I want you to think about the people around you and how they approach difficult situations.
There is a philosophy called Utilitarianism which states to be morally good you have to consider the 'greatest happiness for the greatest number'. If you are faced with a tough decision, Utilitarianism states you should ask yourself, what outcome is going to bring the greatest amount of happiness to the greatest amount of people. This philosophy although seems good at a glance, has its problems too. A famous example here, is gang rape. I know this may seem like a horrible example, but in traditional utilitarianism, it is morally good for the gang of people to rape a person as it produces more happiness for more people. I think we can all agree rape is morally bad in all situations but the point here is the way people justify their actions. There are many arguments for and against Utilitarianism and this is a very basic overview of its concept; please feel free to do some research on this as it is a really interesting topic! There are so many moral and ethical theories out there about how to be good and what it means to be good, but I will save that for a future article.
I want you to consider what I have just told you and think about how some people will do bad things and find ways to justify it. I used the above philosophy to explain this as the example of gang rape, takes a good principle and finds a way to apply it to a bad situation. What I have learnt about toxic people in the past few years is that they manipulate people and situations to suit their needs and desires. I have always been curious about why people make decisions and act the way they do. When we talk about someone who is 'toxic', we are still talking about a person and we can assume they know what is right and wrong. So, why do they treat others badly and do bad things?
Last year, I found myself in a place I thought was revolutionary. I had surrounded myself with ambitious, high-profile people and my expectations were high, (In retrospect, too high).
I soon found myself stuck under the wing of someone who was a master manipulator. Blind-sided to how it could affect me personally, I could only see how it could help me on a professional level. After about a month of empty promises and long work hours, the realisation began to settle in. Why was I being treated like this? Unfortunately, I decided to stay and make the most out of it, not fully understanding what I was dealing with. At the end of another month I was exhausted, trying to please others and not 'make a fuss', but I could't keep the facade up.
Upon reflection I realised, to make a toxic person, you need two people. Often when people do bad things, there are consequences, and when this happens it deters us from doing more in the future. With the type of toxic people I have known, the element of consequence has been taken away. If you could eat chocolate all day and have no negative repercussions, such as gaining weight, I can guarantee most people will jump at the chance but when those 'toxic' people do bad things, there is sometimes no consequence. In other situations when there is a consequence, the person detaches themselves emotionally and simply doesn't care. When you have a toxic person in your life it can feel like you have to justify and prove yourself to them; they make you feel small and meaningless. Often when these people make bad choices they will put the blame on you and eventually you end up believing it. You are not alone in these feelings; in fact it is very common. Reach out and talk to someone about how you're feeling. If you have a toxic person in your life, it isn't worth sacrificing your own mental health for their needs.
I believe one of the reasons people become toxic, is because they haven't been taught otherwise. As humans we make mistakes and can hurt those around us; but we learn, develop and understand how to treat others with respect. A toxic person doesn't have people standing up to them and when they do, they go to extremes to make you feel guilty for doing so. Even though we have a tendency to look at toxic people in a bad light, it is important to remember that their actions can sometimes be a result of poor mental health. This isn't an excuse for you to 'put up' with the way they are treating you or disregard the extent of their actions, however it is a reminder not to be toxic in your response.
Anyone can be a toxic person, from a friend, an authority figure, (such as business men and women), or even someone you are in a relationship with. It isn't uncommon for these people to be popular among colleagues and friends as they know how to manipulate others into liking them. I think we underestimate how difficult it can be in situations like this as, confiding in someone becomes difficult as the people around them may see the 'nice' side of this person. It is important to put yourself first at times like this, understand that you need time away from that person. If you can't simply walk away from that relationship, then try and find ways to become less dependant on them; this could be financially, emotionally or work related. Fight those feelings of inferiority; you are worth more than that person makes you feel.
If you take anything away from this post, let it be this. One of the most valuable things in life is time and energy. If you are spending your time thinking about these toxic people, letting them drain your energy, recognise this and consider making a change. When I look at the people I spend most my time and energy with, I make sure it is positive and benefiting both of us. Any relationship in your life should be a equal partnership; giving and taking. Both people investing their time appropriately and respecting each other. Understand your worth and protect your time from being wasted. If you find yourself in a toxic relationship, either romantically, or otherwise, recognise when your mental and physical health is being negatively impacted. When you find yourself overthinking about them and how they treat you, it may be time to cut ties and walk away. This applies to a work situation too; your mental health should always come first. If you can't talk to your manager, go to HR, or an external source to express your feelings. There is always a way out of those situations and remember, breaking up with a toxic person or leaving a job, isn't the end of the world. Look after your mental and physical health.
If you want to see a separate post on toxic relationships or toxic work environments, send me a message or let me know in the comments. This was a general post about toxic people and environments; I am not a professional, I am sharing my research and findings, along with a lot of personal experience.
Thank you for reading!
Ellie